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Ask Dave
Advice from David J. Dannenberg
Dear Dave,
I’ve been thinking about buying a new cell phone, but I’m confused by all of the service plans and types of phones out there. Do you have any insight on this? How should I go about researching this?
-Mitch
Vatican City
The first important thing to find out is whether the cell phone you are getting is digital or analog. Analog, or “rotary style” phones are going out of style, because they take so long to crank up. Digital, or “push-button” type phones are becoming more popular, mainly because they have more horse-power and use less kerosene. In fact, these new “smokeless” digital phones are expected to be the only type you will be able to time-share from The Telephone Company by the end of the decade.
New phones from General Electric, Zenith and RCA were the talk of the Detroit World’s Fair, Mitch. All of these phones have a 90 acre “browsing” range, have chrome anti-theft fins, and come in a variety of Bakelite colors, including GE’s extravagant new “Pistachio” color, which is also adorning GE’s new line of ice-boxes.
RCA’s new phone is called the “Deluxe-o-luxe”, and features a small compartment for keeping salt-pork or dehydrated beefs. This will surely be popular in the Midwest, and anywhere else food-spoilage is a problem.
The new Zenith phone, which caused quite a stir because it’s made by the Japanese, is the most interesting of all. This phone doubles as a distress-flare that can fired up to 300 feet into the air in case the owner is attacked or buck-rushed. This is of particular interest to folks in the southern coastal states, who live in constant fear of the Spanish Navy.
Then you have to sign up for service. The first step is buying a Cellular Phone Operator’s License, available anywhere you normally purchase War Bonds or receive food stamps. This will legally allow you to use your phone anywhere in the country, excluding Utah and the Oklahoma territories.
Next, you must put in an application to the Phone Company (form 467b.2, “Formal Intent to Purchase Cell Phone Service”) via certified mail. Three to six weeks later, you will be sent an Elective Cell Phone Service Schedule along with an instruction binder and authentication seal. Once completed, your schedule will be inspected for any attempts at fraud and evaluated by the Phone Company’s 12-member audit panel. This process can take as long as 90 days, but may be shortened with the optional $47 express fee.
If the application process goes well, you will be sent a stamp good for one full year of cellular service. Affix this stamp to your above-mentioned Operator’s License. You are now ready to use your new Cell Phone. Congratulations!
New cell phone users should be warned that certain uncivilized people may try to use your phone for illegal purposes, such as calling Communists or ordering cigars. Worst of all, you will be charged for these calls, even if you can prove that you didn’t make them. To prevent this unfortunate situation, I recommend buying a padlock for your phone. These can be purchased at any hardware store, and while somewhat inconvenient, these padlocks will save you from lots of lynch-mobbing in the long run.
I hope that answers your question, Mitch.
-Ask Dave is written by a rural Ohio farmer who took third place at last year’s State Fair pumpkin evaluation.
Ask Dave
Advice from David J. Dannenberg
Dear Dave,
I’ve been thinking about buying a new cell phone, but I’m confused by all of the service plans and types of phones out there. Do you have any insight on this? How should I go about researching this?
-Mitch
Vatican City
The first important thing to find out is whether the cell phone you are getting is digital or analog. Analog, or “rotary style” phones are going out of style, because they take so long to crank up. Digital, or “push-button” type phones are becoming more popular, mainly because they have more horse-power and use less kerosene. In fact, these new “smokeless” digital phones are expected to be the only type you will be able to time-share from The Telephone Company by the end of the decade.
New phones from General Electric, Zenith and RCA were the talk of the Detroit World’s Fair, Mitch. All of these phones have a 90 acre “browsing” range, have chrome anti-theft fins, and come in a variety of Bakelite colors, including GE’s extravagant new “Pistachio” color, which is also adorning GE’s new line of ice-boxes.
RCA’s new phone is called the “Deluxe-o-luxe”, and features a small compartment for keeping salt-pork or dehydrated beefs. This will surely be popular in the Midwest, and anywhere else food-spoilage is a problem.
The new Zenith phone, which caused quite a stir because it’s made by the Japanese, is the most interesting of all. This phone doubles as a distress-flare that can fired up to 300 feet into the air in case the owner is attacked or buck-rushed. This is of particular interest to folks in the southern coastal states, who live in constant fear of the Spanish Navy.
Then you have to sign up for service. The first step is buying a Cellular Phone Operator’s License, available anywhere you normally purchase War Bonds or receive food stamps. This will legally allow you to use your phone anywhere in the country, excluding Utah and the Oklahoma territories.
Next, you must put in an application to the Phone Company (form 467b.2, “Formal Intent to Purchase Cell Phone Service”) via certified mail. Three to six weeks later, you will be sent an Elective Cell Phone Service Schedule along with an instruction binder and authentication seal. Once completed, your schedule will be inspected for any attempts at fraud and evaluated by the Phone Company’s 12-member audit panel. This process can take as long as 90 days, but may be shortened with the optional $47 express fee.
If the application process goes well, you will be sent a stamp good for one full year of cellular service. Affix this stamp to your above-mentioned Operator’s License. You are now ready to use your new Cell Phone. Congratulations!
New cell phone users should be warned that certain uncivilized people may try to use your phone for illegal purposes, such as calling Communists or ordering cigars. Worst of all, you will be charged for these calls, even if you can prove that you didn’t make them. To prevent this unfortunate situation, I recommend buying a padlock for your phone. These can be purchased at any hardware store, and while somewhat inconvenient, these padlocks will save you from lots of lynch-mobbing in the long run.
I hope that answers your question, Mitch.
-Ask Dave is written by a rural Ohio farmer who took third place at last year’s State Fair pumpkin evaluation.
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