Achtung, Baby!
Ask Dave
Advice from David J. Dannenberg
Dear Dave,
Where do babies really come from? My wife and I were recently married and are interested in obtaining one.
-Mitch
Bismarck, North Dakota
Well Mitch, you essentially have two options. Many people make their own babies, but much like brewing your own beer, this can be more difficult and often times not worth the trouble. The easier option discussed here is purchasing your baby from experienced baby-wranglers in your area.
Buying a baby starts with making a careful list of the features you want. Ethnicity may be important to you, but you really want to pay close attention to things you normally only find in fine print on the back of the package. These include: Allergies, scholarship eligibility, sea-worthiness, calorie consumption, baking aptitude, night vision, operation temperatures, and expected shelf life. Many of these things become important later on, and often affect resale value. Also, “seedless” varieties are now available; check with a store clerk for details.
Once you finish making a list of features, it’s time to make a trip to the baby outlet. Your first visit may be a bit overwhelming, considering the huge variety of babies now available. In fact, many potential parents complain that after a short time, all babies look the same! Don’t let this discourage you; in the former Soviet Union people often had little choice in choosing a baby, and this is often regarded as one of the main reasons for the collapse of the Iron Curtain. If you find that you are overwhelmed with choices, an in-store "baby shopper" can be hired for a modest extra fee.
Speaking of fees, you should try to spend as much money as you can on a new baby, because you really do get what you pay for. It will likely be the second-largest purchase your family will make, so a loan with a good APR should be foremost in your mind once you have decided on your purchase. A financial advisor should also be consulted before purchasing your first baby, if only to explain the huge financial responsibility you are getting into. Once the money situation is cleared up, you can worry about more practical baby issues.
When you get your baby home, be sure to allow its container to sit at room temperature for at least an hour before removing the baby. DO NOT FREEZE THE BABY. This used to be necessary if you weren’t ready to open the package right away, but new manufacturing techniques have eliminated this inconvenience. Even bargain-basement babies, which are still frozen at the factory, should be completely thawed and nearly ready for use by the time they are delivered to your home. An hour at room temperature is required merely so the baby does not undergo shock when it comes out of suspended animation.
Your baby should have come with an instruction manual that will detail precisely how to direct your child’s first hours with you. If you feel the manual that came with your baby is inadequate, there are several instructional books available, including the “For Dummies” series, the "What the Hell Is With These Babies?!" DVD and the ever-popular “My Baby Is On Fire, Now What?” series from Harper Collins.
Earlier I mentioned that you could make your own baby. I won’t waste your time here with the details, as baby-making details are widely available on the internet and at home improvement stores. I will only say that this is an expensive process, and that it is excruciatingly boring. Of course, this was the only way it was done in the old days, along with cooking meals over a fire and using leeches to cure the ill. So, if you’re feeling rustic, you can try to make your own, but be warned: The results will be hap-hazard at best.
I hope that answers your question, Mitch.
**Ask Dave is not really an advice column. It is merely a structured guide that details how you should live your life.**
Ask Dave
Advice from David J. Dannenberg
Dear Dave,
Where do babies really come from? My wife and I were recently married and are interested in obtaining one.
-Mitch
Bismarck, North Dakota
Well Mitch, you essentially have two options. Many people make their own babies, but much like brewing your own beer, this can be more difficult and often times not worth the trouble. The easier option discussed here is purchasing your baby from experienced baby-wranglers in your area.
Buying a baby starts with making a careful list of the features you want. Ethnicity may be important to you, but you really want to pay close attention to things you normally only find in fine print on the back of the package. These include: Allergies, scholarship eligibility, sea-worthiness, calorie consumption, baking aptitude, night vision, operation temperatures, and expected shelf life. Many of these things become important later on, and often affect resale value. Also, “seedless” varieties are now available; check with a store clerk for details.
Once you finish making a list of features, it’s time to make a trip to the baby outlet. Your first visit may be a bit overwhelming, considering the huge variety of babies now available. In fact, many potential parents complain that after a short time, all babies look the same! Don’t let this discourage you; in the former Soviet Union people often had little choice in choosing a baby, and this is often regarded as one of the main reasons for the collapse of the Iron Curtain. If you find that you are overwhelmed with choices, an in-store "baby shopper" can be hired for a modest extra fee.
Speaking of fees, you should try to spend as much money as you can on a new baby, because you really do get what you pay for. It will likely be the second-largest purchase your family will make, so a loan with a good APR should be foremost in your mind once you have decided on your purchase. A financial advisor should also be consulted before purchasing your first baby, if only to explain the huge financial responsibility you are getting into. Once the money situation is cleared up, you can worry about more practical baby issues.
When you get your baby home, be sure to allow its container to sit at room temperature for at least an hour before removing the baby. DO NOT FREEZE THE BABY. This used to be necessary if you weren’t ready to open the package right away, but new manufacturing techniques have eliminated this inconvenience. Even bargain-basement babies, which are still frozen at the factory, should be completely thawed and nearly ready for use by the time they are delivered to your home. An hour at room temperature is required merely so the baby does not undergo shock when it comes out of suspended animation.
Your baby should have come with an instruction manual that will detail precisely how to direct your child’s first hours with you. If you feel the manual that came with your baby is inadequate, there are several instructional books available, including the “For Dummies” series, the "What the Hell Is With These Babies?!" DVD and the ever-popular “My Baby Is On Fire, Now What?” series from Harper Collins.
Earlier I mentioned that you could make your own baby. I won’t waste your time here with the details, as baby-making details are widely available on the internet and at home improvement stores. I will only say that this is an expensive process, and that it is excruciatingly boring. Of course, this was the only way it was done in the old days, along with cooking meals over a fire and using leeches to cure the ill. So, if you’re feeling rustic, you can try to make your own, but be warned: The results will be hap-hazard at best.
I hope that answers your question, Mitch.
**Ask Dave is not really an advice column. It is merely a structured guide that details how you should live your life.**
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