**The following fake press article was written in 2001 around the time of the U.S. war in Afghanistan. I am reprinting it now because it has gained some relevance since our invasion of Iraq. As usual, it is a satire on commercialism and media and is not intended to dishonor those who died in the WTC or those civilians that died in the resulting war in Afghanistan.**

UPPER DECK INTRODUCES WAR-THEMED TRADING CARDS
'Death From Above' series introduced to stir patriotism amongst rabble
by David J. Dannenberg
for Lazy Slob Press Service International

(Camden, NJ)- Upper Deck, Inc. today introduced prototypes of their trading-card series titled "Death From Above", which features people and weapons related to the terrorist attacks on September 11th and the resulting U.S. military reaction in Afghanistan. The cards, which are a competitive response to a similar Topps trading card series titled "Enduring Freedom", named after the current military operation, are set to go on sale by the end of November.

"We think that the American people want vengeance, and we're giving it to them in a form that they can easily trade with their friends and relatives," said Jeff Rosenthal, new products manager for Upper Deck.

"I don't think there's any kid in the nation who doesn't want to see a complete set of these cards underneath the tree at Christmas, and Dad probably wouldn't mind getting one from Santa either," added Rosenthal.

Early market research indicates that children are responding positively to the new trading cards. "I love my [U.N. Secretary General] Kofi Annan card!" said eight year-old Billy Rensen of Baltimore, MD. "He's Cool!"

There are 443 cards in a complete set of "Death From Above". The cards include high-profile public figures like President Bush, British Prime Minister Tony Blair, and of course, Osama bin Laden. But collectors are more excited about less popular cards, mainly because they will be produced in lower numbers and will bring a high price with consumers looking for the complete set. These cards include Secretary of Transportation Norman Mineta, Al Gore, Tom Brokaw's Assistant, Secretary of Agriculture Ann Veneman, The Guy Who Died from Anthrax in Florida Card, Jesus Christ, Postmaster General John Potter, the Koran, and the Jerry Falwell card.

Included on the back of each card are vital statistics, fun facts, and depending on whether the card features a person or a weapon, ice cream preference/killing power. Limited edition 'Platinum Packs' include puzzle cards that, when assembled, form a photograph of Afghani Northern Alliance foreign minister Abdullah Abdullah, whom U.S. News and World Report has named 'Sexiest Diplomat' for 2001.

Each card also features a hologram of the World Trade Center, and when shifted in the light the image appears to have burst into flames. "It's our tribute to those that died in an act of evil, and I think those people would like to know they are being immortalized in a patriotic set of cards. Also, I'll bet Al Queda doesn't much like that were using our 'Decadent Western Capitialism' to profit on their 'struggle for purity'. That'll show those terrorist bastards!" said Rosenthal.

Topps, as a follow-up to the "Enduring Freedom" card series, is also reportedly researching the market viability of a "Election Scandal 2000" trading card set, featuring cards like Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris and Governor Jeb Bush. Topps officials could neither confirm or deny these plans by press time.

-David J. Dannenberg's cousin Jethro-Cletus Dannenberg of Tuscaloosa, Alabama contributed rude profanities to this report.


Copyright 2001, Lazy Slob Research.