"Nate Frey World" To Open In Florida
LazySlob News Service
ORLANDO, Florida April 14 – For those who have always wished they could live the life of beloved 30 year-old gadabout Nate Frey, their wish is about to become reality. “Nate Frey World” is entering the fray with Disney, and industry analysts are divided over whether it will be a massive failure or turn the tourism industry on its head.
The 1500-acre theme park, which is a joint venture of several French and Swiss pharmaceutical companies, has the distinction of being entirely about, as well as run by Nate Frey. This can be accomplished because hundreds of Nate Freys are present in the park, all genetically cloned from a follicle of the original Nate Frey’s pubic hair.
“From the ticket-takers to the people running the rides to the bartenders on Drunkard Island, the entire park is run by Nate Frey,” said Nate Frey clone #152 in charge of media relations.
Jean-Luc Broussard, one of the scientists who worked on cloning the Nate Freys for the theme park, detailed to reporters yesterday how the cloning program is run.
“First, we recovered a follicle of Mr. Frey’s pubic hair from an employee toilet at the General Electric company. Then, we use human donor eggs that have been stripped of their original chromosomes. We then insert a copy of the Nate Frey chromosome set into the eggs and accelerate the growth of the zygote by placing it in a gelatinous substrate of Jameson Irish whiskey at 98.3 degrees Fahrenheit. After four days the resulting embryo is moved into a pepperoni Hot Pocket, until 5 weeks into the process when the fetus is moved into a duplex in Milwaukee’s Riverwest neighborhood for the final 2 months of gestation. The whole process is greatly accelerated, but using proprietary genetic techniques has allowed us to create Nate Freys with a very low failure rate,” said Broussard, nibbling on a croissant.
While the omni-presence of Nate Frey at the park is certainly interesting in itself, it’s the attractions that make or break an entertainment venue. The leading attraction being promoted is a variety of simulators that allow you to experience the same things Nate Frey has – often multiple things at once. “Frey Station One” is a 3-D environment developed with the help of George Lucas’ Industrial Light & Magic. The simulator puts participants in a rocking chair to drive a 1991 Toyota Paseo, while having to avoid collisions with families of deer and deliver newspapers on a rural back road.
Another simulator helps you to re-enact Mr. Frey’s amazing stunt career, where you jump to and from the hood of a 1980 Buick Regal in a variety of action-packed scenarios.
One controversial attraction in Nate Frey World’s “Drunkard Island” is a pub where patrons are randomly punched by Nate Frey while trying to use the restroom. Entering the pub automatically waives your rights to press assault charges.
Along with the theme park, a nationwide chain of stores dubbed “FreyLife” will open their doors to customers searching for dark-colored polo shirts, Skechers work shoes, Camel cigarettes, Blue Moon beer and limited edition Taco Bell Extreme Nachos, originally from 1994.
“Nate Frey exhibits a laid-back, easy-going and friendly attitude that consumers respond to without thinking,” said Graham Parker, a marketing analyst with Jupiter Research. “It’s almost as if people have a little Nate Frey in them whether they want to or not. And that creates a viable long-term strategy for the Nate Frey brand as a whole.”
Mitch Esterbrook of Sussman Associates, a Chicago-based marketing firm, is still skeptical. “Even though the clones of Nate Frey are manufactured without a penis, the potential for the clones to somehow reproduce themselves and doom the rest of Humanity is a valid issue,” claimed Esterbrook. “That said, we’ll have to see if people enjoy going to a theme-pub where they get punched in the face.”
Nate Frey himself, the original Nate Frey, has been offered a job as concierge at the Nate Frey World Wyndham Hotel, but will not see any royalties from the theme park or from the retail stores. Sources say Mr. Frey signed away his rights for any royalties inadvertently when he signed his cell phone service contract, and approved of the cloning process by making a late car payment. At time of press, no information has been released as to whether Mr. Frey will sue for custody of his missing pubic hair.
LazySlob News Service
ORLANDO, Florida April 14 – For those who have always wished they could live the life of beloved 30 year-old gadabout Nate Frey, their wish is about to become reality. “Nate Frey World” is entering the fray with Disney, and industry analysts are divided over whether it will be a massive failure or turn the tourism industry on its head.
The 1500-acre theme park, which is a joint venture of several French and Swiss pharmaceutical companies, has the distinction of being entirely about, as well as run by Nate Frey. This can be accomplished because hundreds of Nate Freys are present in the park, all genetically cloned from a follicle of the original Nate Frey’s pubic hair.
“From the ticket-takers to the people running the rides to the bartenders on Drunkard Island, the entire park is run by Nate Frey,” said Nate Frey clone #152 in charge of media relations.
Jean-Luc Broussard, one of the scientists who worked on cloning the Nate Freys for the theme park, detailed to reporters yesterday how the cloning program is run.
“First, we recovered a follicle of Mr. Frey’s pubic hair from an employee toilet at the General Electric company. Then, we use human donor eggs that have been stripped of their original chromosomes. We then insert a copy of the Nate Frey chromosome set into the eggs and accelerate the growth of the zygote by placing it in a gelatinous substrate of Jameson Irish whiskey at 98.3 degrees Fahrenheit. After four days the resulting embryo is moved into a pepperoni Hot Pocket, until 5 weeks into the process when the fetus is moved into a duplex in Milwaukee’s Riverwest neighborhood for the final 2 months of gestation. The whole process is greatly accelerated, but using proprietary genetic techniques has allowed us to create Nate Freys with a very low failure rate,” said Broussard, nibbling on a croissant.
While the omni-presence of Nate Frey at the park is certainly interesting in itself, it’s the attractions that make or break an entertainment venue. The leading attraction being promoted is a variety of simulators that allow you to experience the same things Nate Frey has – often multiple things at once. “Frey Station One” is a 3-D environment developed with the help of George Lucas’ Industrial Light & Magic. The simulator puts participants in a rocking chair to drive a 1991 Toyota Paseo, while having to avoid collisions with families of deer and deliver newspapers on a rural back road.
Another simulator helps you to re-enact Mr. Frey’s amazing stunt career, where you jump to and from the hood of a 1980 Buick Regal in a variety of action-packed scenarios.
One controversial attraction in Nate Frey World’s “Drunkard Island” is a pub where patrons are randomly punched by Nate Frey while trying to use the restroom. Entering the pub automatically waives your rights to press assault charges.
Along with the theme park, a nationwide chain of stores dubbed “FreyLife” will open their doors to customers searching for dark-colored polo shirts, Skechers work shoes, Camel cigarettes, Blue Moon beer and limited edition Taco Bell Extreme Nachos, originally from 1994.
“Nate Frey exhibits a laid-back, easy-going and friendly attitude that consumers respond to without thinking,” said Graham Parker, a marketing analyst with Jupiter Research. “It’s almost as if people have a little Nate Frey in them whether they want to or not. And that creates a viable long-term strategy for the Nate Frey brand as a whole.”
Mitch Esterbrook of Sussman Associates, a Chicago-based marketing firm, is still skeptical. “Even though the clones of Nate Frey are manufactured without a penis, the potential for the clones to somehow reproduce themselves and doom the rest of Humanity is a valid issue,” claimed Esterbrook. “That said, we’ll have to see if people enjoy going to a theme-pub where they get punched in the face.”
Nate Frey himself, the original Nate Frey, has been offered a job as concierge at the Nate Frey World Wyndham Hotel, but will not see any royalties from the theme park or from the retail stores. Sources say Mr. Frey signed away his rights for any royalties inadvertently when he signed his cell phone service contract, and approved of the cloning process by making a late car payment. At time of press, no information has been released as to whether Mr. Frey will sue for custody of his missing pubic hair.
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