Ask Dave
Advice from the brain-area of David J. Dannenberg.

Dear Dave,
Lately I’ve been thinking about going to the dentist. I haven’t been to one since I was a child, and I was wondering if you think it’s a good idea for me to start going now?

-Mitch
La Paz, Bolivia

Dear Mitch,
Broadly speaking, going to a dentist makes sense for most people. Dentists are usually quite clean, and often have professional training. However, there are a number of reasons you may not want to go to the dentist - some personal, and some because of the dentists themselves.

First of all, if you have teeth that have decayed a bit, and have either turned yellow or crooked, you may not want to visit a dentist. Dentists are often turned off by these kind of teeth and will find you unattractive, and they will point at you and laugh. Worse, they may be afraid of your teeth, fearing they may catch plaque germs that will cause their own teeth to decay. In this case, instead of going to the dentist, I might recommend going to Target or Wal-Mart and speaking with a pharmacist about having your teeth replaced with some sort of synthetic façade to wear when you are out in public. These are often made of the same kind of durable vinyl material used for residential siding.

Secondly, I can’t recommend going to the dentist unless you have some sort of insurance or collective-bartering program that will allow you to defray the costs of your visit. If you have children, you might consider offering one or more to the dentist if you are having a lot of work done. Dentists need young people with a strong back to serve as dental hygienists. Daughters are particularly prized and can be traded between dentists, especially if they are old enough to experience their monthly cycle.

If you have serious dental work that needs to be done, and decide to go to someone other than a dentist (say, a veterinarian or a sexspert), it’s important that you don’t ever mention this to a dentist - should you ever see one in the future. Dentists are extremely jealous of non-dentists performing work on teeth, and it is likely you will get a long lecture or be forced to consume pound after pound of liquid fluoride.

Another reason to maintain good relations with your dentist is that they have a powerful lobbying organization. The American Dental Association, or ADA, is noted for its political influence, and for its legion of private security “contractors.” In the early part of the 20th century, dentists were bullied by industrialists the same way textile and metal workers were. They worked in pitiful conditions with no hope of improvement. Of course, the dentists were resourceful, and soon had hired Pinkerton-style security officers to thwart their master’s attempts to break strikes and force down wages. Since those days, the ADA security forces have demanded respect from all levels of society. Most recently these ADA “Cavity Fighters” have been deployed in Iraq, protecting dentists with diplomatic status on escort missions in and out of the so-called “Green Zone” in Baghdad. It is said that only the Shiite Proctology Brigade dares to face them in direct combat.

I hope that was informative for you, Mitch. I’ll give you one last secret for dental health and fresh breath: Always remember to rinse your mouth out with brine after every meal. It tastes great and it keeps your mouth ocean-fresh!

David J. Dannenberg is a writer currently embroiled in a legal fight over the release of his new book, “Appendectomize Yourself And Save!” which is tentatively being published by Impudent Imprint, Ltd.